The Family Tech Covenant: Creating Boundaries That Lead to Freedom
In many homes, technology is the primary source of friction. It’s the cause of the argument about getting off the Xbox at dinner. It’s the reason for the silent car ride where everyone is looking down. It’s the invisible wall between spouses on the couch at the end of a long day.
Both of my children are adults, decades beyond their adolescent and teen phases. My son, the oldest, was very studious but enjoyed gaming and online gaming was in its infancy. Unbeknownst to his mother and I, while in high school he found an app that would lock his screen every evening at a specific time or after so many minutes of playing time. He was blocking himself time for studies, reading, and writing. This is a level of discipline I have yet to achieve, Ugh!
My daughter, two years younger than her brother, was a social butterfly. Fortunately, social media platforms were limited to mainly Facebook and a brand new one called Instagram. She was not as diligent as her brother in limiting screen time, but luckily she was quite active and did prefer in-person social interactions. However, there were some tears occasionally when a peer posted something upsetting or a new relationship was forming in the ashes of her former one.
Today is a much more dangerous and addicting landscape for our children to navigate. My wife and I were just darn lucky. But today’s parents are asking for help in navigating these waters with their children to avoid the unhealthy, unsafe, and unseemly aspects of technology. Here are some thoughts I would like to share that I have gleaned recently.
When we feel this tension, our instinct is often to create rules. We ban apps, set strict time limits, and police devices. But rules without relationships lead to rebellion. And rules without a "why" feel like prison.
What if we shifted the framework? Instead of a list of "Thou Shalt Nots," what if we created a vision for what our family life could be?
This is where the Family Tech Covenant comes in. Unlike a contract (which is transactional: if you do this, you get that), a covenant is relational. It says: We do this because of who we are and who we want to be.
The goal isn't just to limit screen time; it's to liberate family time. Here is how to create a covenant that fosters freedom and connection, including a template you can use tonight.
The Heart of the Covenant: "People Over Pixels"
Before you sit down to write the rules, you must agree on the values. The foundational principle of any Christian home’s tech policy should be simple: The people in the room are more important than the people on the screen.
When we set boundaries, we aren't saying technology is bad. We are saying that face-to-face connection, sleep, and mental health are better.
How to Create Your Covenant (Don't just hand it down!)
If you walk into the living room and hand your kids a contract to sign, it will fail. This needs to be a collaborative discussion (ideally over a favorite meal, like pizza or tacos).
Ask Questions: "What do we love about our screens? What do we hate about them? When do we feel most connected as a family?"
Parents Are Included: This is critical. If the covenant only applies to the kids, it’s hypocrisy. If the bedroom is a "phone-free zone," that applies to Mom and Dad, too.
Focus on the "Yes": Frame the boundaries around what you are saying "yes" to. (e.g., "We put phones away at dinner so we can say yes to laughing and hearing about each other's day.")
The Family Tech Covenant Template
You can copy, paste, and customize the text below to fit your family’s specific age and stage.
[The ____________ Family Tech Covenant]
Our Purpose: We believe technology is a useful tool, but a terrible master. We control our devices; they do not control us. We commit to using screens in a way that helps us learn, connect, and have fun, without sacrificing our relationships, our sleep, or our character.
1. The "Eyes Up" Rule (People Priority)
When someone walks into the room and speaks to us, we pause what we are doing and look them in the eye.
The people physically present always take priority over notifications from people who are absent.
2. Tech-Free Zones (Sacred Spaces)
The Dinner Table: Meals are for nourishment and conversation. No devices are allowed at the table.
The Bedroom: To protect our sleep and our minds, all phones and tablets will be charged in the [Kitchen/Living Room] overnight.
3. The Clock (Healthy Rhythms)
Device Curfew: All screens are turned off by [8:30 PM] to allow our brains to rest before sleep.
Sabbath Moments: We commit to [one afternoon/day] a week where we disconnect from digital entertainment to reconnect with God and creation.
4. Transparency (No Secrets)
We believe that secrecy breeds shame. Parents have full access to passwords and devices, not to be spies, but to be shepherds/protectors.
If we see something confusing, hurtful, or inappropriate, we promise to tell a parent/spouse immediately. We will not be punished for being honest.
5. Kind Content (Digital Character)
We will not type anything we wouldn't say to someone's face.
We will use our devices to build others up, not to tear them down or participate in bullying.
Signed,
__________________________ (Parent)
__________________________ (Parent)
__________________________ (Child)
__________________________ (Child)
A Living Document
Finally, remember that this covenant is a living document. You will fail. You will check your email at dinner. Your kids will sneak a text after curfew.
When that happens, don't tear up the covenant. Apologize. Repent. Reset. The goal isn't perfection; it's a persistent pursuit of a home where technology serves the family, rather than the family serving technology.
Here is to more eye contact, more laughter, and more freedom in your home this week. Let us know how this strategy works for your family dynamic!
